My Review of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween”!

Michael

I was dragging my feet when it came to even writing about this movie. I mean why should I? It wasted my time.

But then I was compelled to share my point of view due to the fact that a lot of idiot fanboys loved the movie. And if you loved this movie, you are lacking some brain cells.  

Here’s my list of reasons as to why I think the “Halloween” remake is diabolically retarded.

After watching the movie it is basically explained that Myers became a serial killer because his step father was verbally abusive and called him a “faggot”, his mom is a stripper, and his sister is a whore who wanted to have sex with her boyfriend instead of taking Michael out Trick or Treating? Gimme a break.

Here is a major flaw with the film. No one cares about Michael’s childhood. No one wants to sympathize with him. He is supposed to be scary. It’s scarier when you dont know anything about the killer. But Zombie makes Michael a hero and in this film you don’t fear him. You almost root for him to kill people because they are all so damn annoying or just plain evil and deserve to die a painful cinematic death.

And by the way, someone would have smacked a rock over young Michael’s head in my old neighborhood if he went around acting the way he did. I’m just saying.  

The “remake” portion of the film: Rob Zombie managed to cram an hour and thirty minutes of the classic original movie into about 40 minutes time. That’s no accomplishment. Its stupid. Why spend the first half of the film with young Michael and decide to introduce Laurie and her friends about an hour into the film? Doing this just makes you wonder why the film is so disjointed. Why didn’t Zombie just do a movie about his childhood leading to Michael’s escape, and then maybe do a sequel which would then be the remake of part 1? Whatever. I’m over thinking it.

And no lie, as soon as Michael breaks out of prison, he automatically knows how to get to Haddonfield and knows who his sister is without even seeing her for 15 years. Please.

Scout Taylor Compton is NO Jamie Lee Curtis. Her version of Laurie Strode is an annoying stupid girl. She’s rude, loud, and jokes with her mother in a way no kid should joke around with their parents. She’s is also a jerk to the kid she babysits.  

Laurie and her equally stupid friends Annie and Lynda speak dialogue straight out of a young girls comments portion of a Myspace Page. “Sup Bitches! Wait for me!” and a lot of faux lesbian butt pinching and loud giggling. It’s annoying and unrealistic. And I swear once we meet the girls, Michael is already killing one of them like 10 minutes later. Annie and Lynda also look college age while Laurie looks like she is a freshman in HS.

Burning Questions:

How do these people not spot a 6 foot 8 man hiding behind a tree?

Was there a gym in the asylum because Michael looks like a bodybuilder. 

Why doesn’t Annie tell her dad (the town sherrif) that a 6 foot 8 man in a dirty mask was watching her and her friends walk home from school.

How does Lynda not realize her boyfriend Bob went from being 5’11 to 6’8 when Michael killed him and put a sheet over his body.

What’s the point of the girls making plans to hang out when Lynda and Bob wind up away from the plans and having sex in the Myers house of all places?

Michael not being able to drive makes it less scary.

And again Laurie Strode is a real jerk to the kid she babysits.

So what about the kills? The deaths in the movie are boring and repetitive and try to hide behind Michael being brutal. It’s like he tackles people, throws them around, then kills them. And it’s boring. This movie actually bored me because I have seen it already. I knew who was going to die and when because Rob Zombie just copied and pasted from the original.

The bottom line is that this movie was pointless and terrible. I’m not a huge fan of the Halloween Sequels. Part 2 was the best sequel and then comes 4 (which was technically a remake). The others suck including this one. Rob Zombie had a chance to reinterpret a classic for a new audience, but insted he feeds us white trash cliches and over the top (yet boring) violent kills, topless braindead girls, and so many horror movie icon cameos that it’s distracting. In real life William Forsythe is too old to be with Sherri Moon Zombie. And when Michael went in to kill Mrs. Strode (played by Dee Wallace Stone) I kept wishing she would turn into a warewolf like she did in the “Howling” and tear Michael’s ass up.

But it didn’t happen.

Avoid this movie at all costs.

B-

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1 Comment

  1. Within the first 10 mins of the movie I decided I hated it!


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