Which Horror Movie Remake Is The Best?

Leatherface 

With the dreaded remake of “Halloween” hitting cinemas tomorrow I was thinking to myself. Which horror remake was the best so far? Remakes of horror films usually suck. Often they are pointless (“The Wicker Man”, “Psycho”) but when they work they really work.

There are a lot that quickly come to mind and I compiled a list. With each new Halloween Remake trailer I see, the more I know that film wont ever make it on this list. What a shame.

The list is in no particular order by the way.

“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”: While I can argue that “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 3” was essentially a remake. This move was the one credited with the title of remake. This movie did was remakes should do. Take the original premise and make your OWN movie. People may hate on this film hardcore, but truth be told, it takes the pacing of the original film up several notches. It’s not an Academy Award winning movie by any means, but it is a good quick and dirty slasher film that pleases its audience and makes no apologies. BTW the film ushered in the era where Jessica Biel went from WB reject to hot.

“The Ring”: Anyone who tells you that the original “Ringu” is scarier is a fucking liar. While both films are not scary to me, the remake is a great film. The look, atmosphere, and acting all click. The protagonist is effective, and the story is solid. When I watched the remake I was bored to tears. The way Sadako killed people was unintentionally hilarious. Picture a freeze frame on scared Asian people’s faces, and that is the jist of the film. Fucking stupid if you ask me.

“The Thing”: One of John Carpenter’s best films. It’s a great movie with animatronic SFX that still hold up in 2007. The scares are plenty, Kurt Russell is bad ass. And the creepy atmosphere that sets in and makes you care about what is going to happen next helps sell this movie. It’s a great film that any self respecting fan of the horror/sci fi genre should own.

“Dawn of the Dead”: Is the best zombie action film hands down. It takes the same premise of the original but makes another film entirely. And it works because you are not constantly watching the movie and comparing it to the original. The story sucks you in completely. And sure the director (Zach Snyder, “300”) blows the majority of his load in the first 10 minutes of the film, but the rest of the film that follows the very gripping opening sequence is still good (even if it never matches the tension of the first 10 mins).

“Invasion of the Body Snatchers”: The 1978 version with Donald Sutherland is great. To this day my mom and I scream at each other like the crazy people who were taken over by the aliens. Another remake that came out in the 90’s with Gabrielle Anwar was also good. Too bad the remake with Nicole “I’ve Sold Out” Kidman was an inconceivable wreck according to Rotten Tomatoes, yup I didn’t watch it. Do you think I’d pay money to see such dreck?

All in all, remakes can be good. If you bring something new to the table. All you gotta do is remember why you are remaking the movie to begin with. Because the original has a devoted fan base. So please them while making a film that will resonate with general audiences and you will have a hit. And remember, don’t explain too much. Leave the audience asking questions. The “Black Christmas” remake sucked because we knew too much about the killer. Sure the chicks were hot, but that doesn’t make up for bad writing.

If I want to see naked girls get stalked, I’ll rent “Slumber Party Massacre” again.

And memo to Hollywood: If you remake “Night of the Demons” and there is no scene where a possessed partygoer puts a lipstick tube into her nipple, there will be hell to pay.

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Old School Joint of the Day: Brandy “I Wanna Be Down”

Brandy

Poor Brandy. She’s had a rough time lately. So rough it seems that people forget she was at one point as popular as WiggyPopLocksNWails(TM). Sure they are completely different, but Brandy’s popularity was almost at an equal level in her heyday. I can remember when Destiny’s Child couldn’t even book a lip synching gig on Soul Train while Brandy was everywhere.

I am an Aaliyah man myself, Brandy wasn’t really my fave, but I can’t knock her hustle.

Anyhow, here is her video to the “I Wanna Be Down” remix. It features every female rapper who was “hot” at the time. Remember when idiots tried to learn that stupid hand dance she does?

PS: Pick up her CD “Afrodisiac” if you haven’t done so. It is probably her best album.

This is what I now do with my free time….

Yup, it’s come to this. After I come home from my newfound extended stays at the gym, I tell my DVR to scour the SoapNet channel to record every episode of “Dallas” that airs. And while I am laying down recouperating from a work out, I watch. And I am officially hooked on a TV show that started airing before I was even born.

I’m already caught up with a lot of the show. And it’s funny, I never realized how good or groundbreaking the show was. And now I hear that they are doing a movie remake and it’s going to be a comedy? Come the hell on….

1st: The “Let’s remake an old TV show as a comedy” nostalgia came and went with “The Brady Bunch Movie”. Not a single remake of a TV show redone as a broad comedy has really worked.

2nd: Who the fuck is the audience for this? Do you think young people are going to pony up money to see a comedic remake of a show that started and ended before most of them were even born?

3rd: Why would a studio think that fans of a well regarded night time TV Soap (one that set the bar for other TV shows) and a show that basically CREATED the “Season Finale Cliffhanger” structure we are so used to watching now on TV, would want to see their favorite TV show remade as a joke?

And finally, John Travolta as mutherfucking J.R. Ewing? Seriously? I’m sorry but Larry Hagman owns the role, and if John Travolta is going to play J.R. the way he plays every other bad guy he plays, then I seriously quit this bitch. What is up with these people? The resolution to the infamous “Who Shot J.R.?” episode was seen by more than 360 million people world wide (90 Million in the US). Don’t disrespect a successful show with such a stupid idea.

A straight forward remake would totally work today. It is not as if a movie about a wealthy oil family in Texas (head by a conniving president) wouldn’t resonate with today’s audience.

“Dallas” made as a serious drama now would make the most sense, no? Save the comedy for “Dynasty”. That shit was more ridiculous anyway. “Dallas” sure had their crazy moments (And yes the show went downhill after the “Dream Season”.) But their cliffhangers were always shocking.

Above is the beautiful Pam Ewing, a main character since the show started in 1978, meeting her demise in the 1986 cliffhanger.

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“Should Be” Single Common “Break My Heart”

I like Common, but my dumb ass has a confession to make. It was only until recently that I realized the female lead in his “Come Close” video was supposed to be deaf. I’m here watching the video like “Why the fuck is he holding up flash cards for her?” It was until someone explained to me that she was deaf.

Anyhow, there goes to show you how much I pay attention to things. Eitherway, here is a song off of his great CD “Finding Forever”. It’s the mellow “Break My Heart”. It should be his next single.

I’m really digging his new material. The songs on his CD sound like those hot old school tracks you rediscover while listening to “The Old School At Noon”.

Which reminds me, I haven’t done an Old School music post in a while. Let me take advantage of my optimum online working out!

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Remembering Aaliyah…

Aaliyah

6 years ago Aaliyah died. Anyone who knows me knows I was one of her biggest fans. People even called me when they heard the news of her death as if she was my girlfriend or was related to me.

Sucks that she died, but that’s life. Unexpected shit happens all the time to good people.

Anyhow, here are some of her best videos.

RIP Aaliyah….

“More Than A Woman”

“We Need A Resolution”

“4 Page Letter”

“Come Back In One Piece”

“High School Musical”

It’s funny, 4 years ago I wouldn’t have been caught dead watching cheesy ass Disney nonsense. But when you have little kids around you, shit changes.

Ever since I got close to my 4 little cousins upstate, everything they were into became fair game. I’m the type of guy who as a child hated when grown ups talked down to me in stupid voices as if I was dumb. I also hated when they didn’t know anything about whatever latest entertainment craze I was into. So in an effort to actually be able to talk to my cousins about whatever they are into, I watch.

Ask me about Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, or something on Disney, I got you. Degrassi or South of Nowhere? I got it covered. And of course its because of my cousins that I even know who Corbin Bleu, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale even are.

Which brings me to “High School Musical”.

I have seen this movie many times. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it really. It’s a movie with no violence or sex with a message to kids telling them to be true to themselves. Why do older people knock it so much. Don’t you want kids to see non-threatening programming?

Anyhow, the sequel just aired on Disney and got a record 17.2 million viewers. And the soundtrack is on track to sell nearly a million copies the 1st week.

The power of children and their disposable income.

Anyhow, for the uninitiated, here is a clip from the movie.

Bland, Vanilla, Non-Violent, and Non-Sexual. Have my views changed? No, I still love hard core action movies and blood and guts horror movies, but when it comes to entertainment for children, this is probably the best out there.

And it also doesn’t hurt that it features a Latino main character (“Gabriella Montez”) and was directed and choreographed by a Latino (Kenny Ortega).

“Veronica Mars” is now a Hero!

While I hated the season finale of “Heroes” I’m still a fan of the show. And the news that my favorite TV private investigator Kristen Bell has joined the cast of “Heroes” for 13 episodes makes me really happy.

Sure her crasing into “L O S T” island or turing up as an intern at Seattle Grace would have made me happier, but I’ll take Kristen Bell on any show because I love her so much.

For her gig on “Heroes” she will be playing a character named “Elle” who may or may not be bad, and also has ties to Peter, Claire and Noah. We’ll see how this turns out.

Look for Kristen on “Heroes” starting this October.

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