My Review of “Spiderman 3”!

Yo- I can’t find the right words quickly describe how stupid and awful this movie was. Seriously? How do you spend upwards to 300 Million bucks to make a movie and have it be so damn stupid? I was literally in shock after seeing the film, and to think that I did not have ridiculously high expectations for this movie to begin with.Spiderman 3 is just proof positive that they should stop making Spiderman movies ASAP and maybe revisit them in 5 years with the right story and a new cast.

Speaking of Story, let’s focus on the awful story for right now. It was a contrived mess with everything being so damn convenient. Too many convenient things happened in 1 movie that just shows that the writing was just lazy and unimaginative. The meteorite with the alien Symbiote just so happens to crash on earth RIGHT NEXT TO PETER PARKER?

How Convenient!

The Sandman running from the law, slips and falls into a molecular sand pit and gets his power.

How Convenient!

Eddie Brock just so happens to be at the church when Spidey takes off the black suit to get rid of it, and it falls onto him turning him into Venom.

How Convenient!

It soon turns out that The Sandman was the one who killed his uncle.

How Convenient!

Gwen Stacy (Who should be DEAD) is in his Science class, and then she happens to be the girl who falls off a building who Spidey saves. And she dates Eddie Brock!

How Convenient! You see, things just seemed to happen only to propel the storyline forward in a way that feels like the film was just going through the motions to get to the next action set piece. I thought the special effects sometimes looked too cartoonish and fake. And some of the action was edited in a way that made it hard to see what was going on.

The only good action set piece (In the entire movie) was the Emo Peter Parker vs Harry fight @ Harry’s house which culminated with a Bomb to Harry’s face. Sweet. Scenes like that are cool. Too bad the other sequences were lame. The end fight did not need an annoying play by play from the reporter with the ridiculous accent. And did the cops forget their job was to protect and serve? They have this huge sand monster wrecking havoc in the middle of Manhattan and no one is trying to shoot it? The FDNY is not trying to take a hose to that sucker?

They are just waiting for Spidey to show up and do his thing.

Please.

Also, half the movie was on some “Days of our Lives” type nonsense. The difference? The acting on NBC’s “Days” trumps the horrible acting in this movie any day. The stupid scenes of Spidey and MJ leaving each other voicemails (with pained expressions on their faces) leading up to that very “DRAMATIC” and “EMOTIONAL” scene with the two on the bridge in Central Park “Breaking Up” because Osbourne forced her to. Did Mary Jane slip and hit her head and forget she was dating Spiderman?

If she was smart, she could have easily told Peter that Harry was hiding in the trees like a sexual predator during recess at an all girls school. I’m sure Peter could have kicked his ass, especially since Osbourne did not have any Goblin equipment with him.

She also needs an anti kidnapping device too. I’m tired of people kidnapping MJ. They should just kill her character off. It would really mess up Spidey and make me happy because Kirsten Dunst not cute and does not look like Mary Jane at ALL. Mary Jane was HOT, not a hot mess.
 

And why did they decide to rip off Jim Carey’s “The Mask” midway through the movie. You know, the part where the filmmakers decided that it would be funny for Peter Parker to do a Jazz Dance at a club in the middle of an action movie.
 

The biggest crime of all? Venom being in the movie for all of 15 minutes. And that’s being generous. How is a premiere villain in the Spidey-Verse reduced to an extended cameo in this film? Also troubling was the fact that his storyline has a definite resolution at the films end. It’s wasting a good villain to introduce him and kill him off 15 mins later. And they didn’t get the character at all. He doesn’t refer to himself as “We” like he does in the comic. He also doesn’t keep the Venom mask on for a lot of his scenes. It always comes off and you get Eddie Brock with busted yellow Jibs talking junk to Peter.

Please.

Sure the movie made a killing at the Box Office this weekend, and Die Hard Spiderman fanatics will argue you to the death that this movie was good (But they should really step back and watch it again). And yeah I know that I should be happy to even see a Spiderman movie after years of reading comics and wishing they would make awesome movies out of my fave superheroes. But man, this movie was wasted potential that with up to about 5 stories thrown into one movie made it a huge mess. Maybe that’s why it’s so upsetting. Because I can see with all the money and technology we have today, there was NO EXCUSE for this movie to suck. But it did.

What they should have done was made it simpler. Resolve the Harry issue early in the film (The butler could have easily told him about his Father being crazy earlier no?) That way Harry teaming up with Spiderman in the end wouldn’t seem unrealistic.

Have the main villain be Sandman, and have Spidey dealing with the black suit and how it changes him in a non-corny way. If they wanted to make MJ jealous, why not introduce a villain like Black Cat instead of Gwen Stacy?

They also should have introduced Eddie Brock as an annoying foil who realizes that there may be more to Peter Parker (Due to the fact that Peter seems to be the only one who gets the great shots of Spiderman.) And in the end (while having suspicions of Peter) follows Peter around and sees him throwing away the Black Suit. confirming his doubts about Peter, and ending the movie with Eddie Brock becoming Venom as the final shot of the film (and setting the stage for Spiderman 4). Seems easy right?
Oh an no more crying like sissies on roof tops. That was way too much to deal with in one movie. I did not pay $11.50 to see Spiderman & Co. cry for about 65% of the movie.

But whatever. I’m no film producer. I’m just a dude with a blog. What do I know.

But I do know that this dude won’t see another Spidey movie again unless it’s a remake directed by Christopher Nolan.

Later guys.

B-

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1 Comment

  1. […] movie. ”Spiderman 2″ was a Romantic Comedy disguised as a Superhero flick and I especially loathe ”Spiderman 3″. And let’s not get started on the poorly miscast “X-Men” […]


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